Get In Your Car and Don't Stop Until You're Three States Away

 

I used to run out of gas all the time when I lived in Oregon. I would hop out of the car on the side of I-5 with weed smoke billowing out the window and wave people down so I could get a ride to the closest gas station. Everyone who stopped for me always said I smelled good because all my clothes permanently smelled dank no matter how many times I washed them. Sometimes I would show my gratitude by handing whoever was kind enough to save me from a ridiculous tow truck bill a joint or a little bag of weed. It was the least I could do for being able to fill up one of those red jugs and get dropped back at my car without being assaulted or robbed. People in Oregon are honest and friendly. Well at least the randoms who helped me out when I ran out of gas were.

I spent 5 years in Oregon because I got accepted to a good college in Portland. It was one of those very fancy private schools with a gorgeous campus and intellectually stimulating classes. I didn’t care about any of that. I was too young to know it at the time, but I was in the midst of being groomed and manipulated by a very bad and dangerous man who I called my boyfriend. I grew up in the early 2000’s, everyone talked about stranger danger so I thought I could avoid being trapped in an ugly situation by following my instincts and staying away from randos who gave me the creeps. No one schools you on the fact that most abusers are the ones closest to home. I was stupid in love with this dangerous man. I didn’t even think he was bad news. The thought never once occurred to me. I knew we both liked getting high. I knew we both had a tortured past. Good enough. He told me I would lose the only man who would ever love me if we didn’t go to the same college together. What’s a good college got to offer me if I can’t be with my boyfriend? Leave all that in the dust and head to middle of nowhere Oregon where we can be together forever. When I first got to Corvallis we got in a fight over the $100 he owed me. He finally told me he spent it on heroin. Not even the first day of classes and I was already in trouble. 

This guy's abuse tactics were insidious. It didn’t help that I was enamored with him. In the times that he was proving himself to be a hideous person I was quick to make excuses for him, thinking that I was being dramatic or wasn’t giving him the benefit of the doubt. So he had a temper, whatever. No one’s perfect. I’m not going to put into words the nice times that I had with him, the times that made me think it was worth staying with him for, because he doesn’t deserve to be spoken about in that way. I’m not giving out any reasons for why I stayed with him for as long as I did. That’s on him, not me. He was a manipulative, vitriolic, cruel, egomaniac who was prone to violence of the worst kind– violence that you don’t recognize as an attack until long after it’s over. He was really good at tormenting me in a way that didn’t leave any visible marks. He was a depraved rapist. 5 years with that piece of shit and 5 years after escaping I can paint a picture for you. 

Fetishes are a perfectly normal thing to have. You like what you like in bed and it doesn’t matter whether she doesn’t like the same things you do. Wear her down, tell her she must not really love you if she’s not willing to do this one little thing for you. Tell her you love her more than any other person ever will, and that love will disappear if she doesn’t engage in your fucked up sex acts. You know she’s always wanted a boyfriend, right? You know she’s had a really traumatic childhood, right? Use that to your advantage. Lean into that. Prey on her insecurities. You can find ways to get what you want out of her if you treat her like she’s a sex toy. She probably even likes that. So what if what you’re into is degrading and not consensual and poses a serious health risk? So what if she’s crying while you do it? Doesn’t matter. Do whatever you have to do to get off. Sex is crucial for a healthy and lasting relationship. Tell her that because then she’ll think that what’s happening is totally normal and even essential to keep the relationship going. Tell her you love her afterwards. Shower her with attention. Over time you won’t even have to manipulate her into doing it. She’ll jump at the chance. 

That was really hard for me to type, but that’s what happened to me. That’s what our relationship looked like. From 2015 until 2019 I was raped every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I was sexually tortured. I was emotionally manipulated. I was being abused in a way another ex boyfriend of mine said “is the most serious case of domestic violence he’s ever heard of,” and I didn’t even know that I was being raped at the time. Because he said he loved me. Because I thought I loved him. I guess that’s why I was never afraid of getting into random people’s cars so I could go get gas. What was happening in my own house was bad enough. 

Leaving an abusive relationship is damn near impossible. It’s a miracle if you do. Very few people ever make it out. Some are financially dependent, some have kids in the mix, some are fearing for their lives. I was the one fearing for my life. I tried moving an hour away from him in my last year of college, thinking that would save me. I thought because he’s a fucking lazy heroin addict there’s no way he would drive an hour out of his way to torture me some more. Of course, I was wrong. Rapists are disgusting people. The abuse continued throughout my senior year. Thankfully I was right about one thing, he was a lazy heroin addict. I wasn’t being raped every day like I was in the past because he needed a lot of time and mental energy to score and get high. That left me with just enough space to realize as soon as I finished school I needed to get away. 

The way I escaped my abuser took every ounce of strength I had and every ounce of the strength I didn’t think I had to make it happen. I had to act like I didn’t have any friends. I acted like I didn’t have any family. I pretended I was the only person left on this earth. I didn’t trust anyone except myself. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going. I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. I got in my car and didn’t stop until I was three states away.

Now that I’m in my late 20’s I want every girl out there who’s in a bad spot to know that some people really are perfect. You just have to find out what perfect means to you. Do not ever stop searching just because you’ve found someone who’s “good enough.” Life is long enough as it is. It gets even longer when you spend it with someone who sucks, even if they only suck a little bit. It’s better to be lonely than in bad company, so be alone as long as you can. You can’t trust everyone, but you can always trust yourself. When everything is said and done, you’re the only one you’ve got. Don’t go out into the dating pool until you’re confident in that. I’ve been out of an abusive relationship for as long as I was in it, and now I know for sure there’s nothing men can offer me that I can’t offer to myself, so if they throw out a flag I’m getting in my car and the only thing I’m stopping for is gas. I’ll fill up before I’m even half empty. You can’t risk shit when you’re running to save your life.