Learning and Unlearning

 I dropped my I <3 Ibiza lighter in the toilet at KitKatClub and it looked like a work of art in the strangest, most beautiful way.

Moments earlier someone asked in German if they could watch me pee. I don’t speak Deutsch, but I’m familiar enough with fetishes to know what someone wants when they’re lingering around the toilets in a sex club. 

I started smiling because I’m amused by all the ways us humans learn to communicate when language fails us. 

In the course of an hour I was asked if I want to fuck in at least three different languages. Sex is like any art form. Language isn’t essential to see the beauty in it. The body can speak for itself. 

I was in awe of all the things I saw bodies do in the 8 hours I spent in that club. Those who really needed the rave danced in a trance, others were getting off on being watched.
Some, like me, were unlearning everything they were ever taught about sex. An ambitious task for only one night. A lot can happen in Berlin in the hours most people are asleep. 

I like fetish nights at techno clubs because the music sets the tone. My body moves most freely to techno, but I can handle psytrance and hardstyle just as well. It occurred to me knowing how to get fucked by music translates smoothly to knowing how to fuck. I know how to move my body to something I’m really invested in and have an intense emotional interest in. 

Somewhere around 4am as I enjoyed the company of one very well endowed German who didn’t speak English, I started laughing because what I was thinking was so simple. All the bad sex I had in the past was bad not because I don’t know what I’m doing in bed but because I didn’t know what was going on in my head. Going home with a stranger is a fools game, at least for me. Most people just aren’t that interesting.

After a brutal breakup, I spent months thinking I needed to fuck as many people as possible so that I could experience something, but I didn’t fully understand what that thing I was chasing was. The experience of moving carelessly through bodies is an empty one, and a lonely one. Hooking up isn’t that exciting or thought provoking. Most people are mid, which is to say they don’t know the language of the body, nor are they interested in learning the stories mine can tell. 

I could have had sex with at least a dozen new people that night, but I called it after three. When the thought entered my brain that I should jump in the pool at KitKatClub so I could have a cool new story to tell, I realized like the lighter I dropped floating in a pool of dozens of people’s piss, my time in the club was up. I put my clothes back on and walked out into the morning sun, no longer in awe of all that I saw, no longer craving empty experiences. I was just excited to use what I now know about fucking with someone who’s actually worth my time.