People I Used to See, Boys I Used to Fuck

 Gas up the PJ and come down to Tampa, he said to me while I was on vacation with my dad and stepmom in Nantucket. I don’t fly on jets anymore for purely environmental reasons. These days I also try to resist the temptation of flying around the country for dick, but I am known to do that. 

The thing is I don’t like this man who wanted me to fly out to Tampa. He makes me feel even more alone than I do when I’m not talking to him. He has a girlfriend, a girl who clearly he doesn’t respect. I know she has mental health issues, which is a gross thing to share with someone you’re trying to fuck. It’s absolutely unacceptable to tell your potential mistress about issues in your own relationship. You want sex, so say that straight up. That’s honest. I don’t much care for a sob story. Men who try and give me the whole “I’m not being treated right right now”speech are pathetic, and I hope women everywhere stop falling for that. They’re the one who isn’t treating HER right, and they weren’t treating me right either by trying to justify their bad behavior. They’re texting me instead of caring for their girlfriends because they are the scum of the earth, not because they’re some sort of victim. If they’re horny and don’t feel like fucking their girlfriend because of whatever issues they have right now, then maybe try masturbating? Have they ever heard of porn? Affairs without intent to commit are so ridiculous. I don’t mind a little casual sex if we’re both single. I get horny too and don’t always feel like using my vibrator. The real deal is always preferable. But if I ever am in a committed relationship to a man and he steps outside of the relationship, he better leave me for that woman, otherwise any respect I have for him goes out the window. Cheating happens. It happens all the time. But using another woman for sex and then tossing her aside so you can get back with your partner is unforgivably disgusting behavior. A tiny piece on the side is wrong towards both women. He’s either in it for the long haul or he needs to stick to porn. Some men don’t deserve anything else than their own dick in their hand. 

I hate who you are as a person. I told this Tampa boy during our last conversation. That pained me to say because I didn’t really want it to be the last, but with a statement like that I knew I was burning bridges. This is the end of an era. I might board a plane to visit a boy sometime. I actually know that I will. I have a few I want to see. But I consider them my friends more than I consider them lovers, so I’m okay with the time and money it takes to travel. We have an interest in each other's lives. We text when we’re horny, sure, because we all have needs. They’re unavailable in their own emotional ways, because of course they are. This time I am, too. I’m not looking for something beyond a good time and some new memories with people I find interesting. I’m not settling for men who are grossly involved with someone else and still feel the need to get something out of me that they can’t give in return. Sometimes I just want sex. That’s honest.

The truth is I don’t want anything right now because I’m angry all of the time at men. A year ago I was dumped because “10 months isn’t a long time to know someone” and because “[he] didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to be there for me,” which is so ridiculous because I’m the one who cared for him, not the other way around. I don’t like how he was mean to me because he lacked the insight and brutal honesty required to say “I hate you not because I think you’re a bad person, and it’s not because you did something wrong. I hate you because I actually hate myself for not being able to give you what I know you deserve. I’m going to be a complete asshole towards you because I’m not man enough to live up to your standards, so I’m desperate for a way out.” He was burning bridges, too. He fucked me over. Plenty of men have fucked me over. They all burned that bridge in a way I have no respect for, and I’m never speaking to any of them again. They weren’t looking out for themselves. If they were, they would still be with me. We all know that I’m the best anyone could ever hope to get. They were being cowardly, immature, and laughably cruel. All because they’re ashamed they didn’t have what it takes to build something real with me. That’s on them. None of their trash behavior has anything to do with me. I hope any girl who’s been disrespected, stomped on, and left alone to bleed out and die understands that the men who do that are pathetic and sad little weasels. Use your anger. Make art. Listen to Olivia Rodrigo and spray paint the walls in your apartment, pull a dirty prank, put them all on blast on your blog. Be shady, be wild, burn bridges, be unapologetic. Whatever you gotta do to stay in your own lane and stay true to who you are as a person is valid. Shitting on people who don’t deserve it isn’t. Know that. 

I think of Raquel AKA Rachel from Vanderpump Rules who had an affair with Tom Sandoval, Ariana’s longtime boyfriend. They fell in love. Was it painful for Ariana? Of course. No one likes being reminded that their pussy isn’t made of gold. No one likes discovering that the man they chose as a partner is actually a pretty gross dude. But men can’t be stolen. They go by their own volition. I’m not saying Raquel is in the clear. She was friends with Ariana, afterall. Girl code and all that. She caused just as much damage as Tom did. She fell in love with the wrong guy. That part I don’t fault her on. God knows I’ve fallen in love with some real losers, losers who are unavailable in different ways but unavailable all the same. I think all the people who villainize her are putting their eggs into the wrong basket, or whatever the saying is. Tom is the one who fucked it all up. He is the one who was putting both Ariana and Raquel into an impossible situation. He promised them both a commitment that he wasn’t capable of giving. He makes me so angry! But they’re all terrible people. That’s why they’re on reality TV. Causing drama, being messy, being cruel and callous, is literally their job. What did Ariana expect? Tom was a cheater from day one. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s important to take accountability for my own actions, because I’m not perfect, or at least that’s what men try to tell me. But what if I am? I’m someone’s dream girl. I’m someone’s everything. I’m someone’s best friend and confidant and lover and wife. I make mistakes of my own. I’m not always right, but I am always lovable. I’m my own damn dream girl. That being said…

 Time to book a flight. I’m getting tired of using my vibrator.