Sex Inventory

 I think we need to revisit your 4th step, an old Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor once said to me upon my mentioning I had a new lover. We need to really dive into your sexual behavior. This is one of many issues I have with AA. I’ve since left the program because the constant need to evaluate my behavior is just ridiculous, at best, and offensive at worst. AA always made me feel shame for being an alcoholic. I was constantly frustrated with the incessant need for the steps to remind me that I’m an alcoholic, and that being an alcoholic means all my behavior, whether it’s in regards to sex, work, friendships, falling in love, you fucking name it, is intolerable and unpleasant to look at and needs to be fixed. The 4th step is the most degrading for a female who likes to fuck. The action required is to create a sex inventory. I was told I needed to write down every person I’ve had sex with and ask myself a series of truly laughable questions. “Who was harmed?” A joke! All the men I’ve ever even sent nudes to are excited to see me naked. Of course, I sent them with enthusiastic consent on their end. And if we fuck? Forget it. That man will never leave me alone from that point on. Which I really don't mind. I'm getting something out of sex, too, after all. “Was I self-seeking?” Fuck out of here. I’m in my 20’s! We’re all self-seeking! Being self-seeking has nothing to do with being an addict and everything to do with being a silly little 20-something. The ridiculous questions go on. That step feels like an intent to shame me. As I was writing down all the men I’ve fucked I got the sense that the program wanted me to be wincing my way through it. In fact, as I thought back to all the many men I’ve enjoyed the company of, I was overcome with gratitude and horniness. I had a lot of fun with every person I’ve ever fucked. Even with the one guy who slapped me in the face when I asked him to spank me. That wasn’t ideal, but it’s a good story to tell. Even the guy who stole my hat in Miami. He was hot and knew how to dance. Even the guy who couldn’t get hard because of a terrible mix of antidepressants, cocaine, and shots of tequila. He was great to party with. Excellent coke. No matter what comes of sex I always enjoy the ride.

Sure, things didn’t always end well with these men. Some of them, actually pretty much all of them, were such assholes. They weren’t exactly people I wanted to hang out with outside of the bedroom. And for a while I thought, damn, I guess it’s the ones I hate the most who dick me down the best. That’s not a great thought process. And fucking people I don’t like isn’t a wonderful habit to indulge in. But leave my addiction out of it. It’s exhausting to go to an AA meeting or call my sponsor and be told that ALL of my behavior is connected to me being an addict. That is so incredibly reductive. I also have a mood disorder. I also have a personality disorder. Does that mean I’m not allowed to collect lovers? Damn. I really couldn’t do anything edgy or cool or fun when I was in AA. 

I’m getting awfully tired of people trying to tell me that my sexual desires are something that needs to be corrected. “Fucking strangers is dangerous,” I’ve been told. Which is just inherently wrong. I’ve been assaulted many times, but never by a lover. Always by a boyfriend, friend, coworker, etc. someone I knew. Random men can be the best! Love ‘em, leave ‘em, never have to see them again. Perfect! Random men can also be the worst. But so can boyfriends. I sometimes feel like I can’t win when I talk to my friends or therapist or even other men when I talk about sex. I feel like they don’t really “get” it. They’re not completely with it in the sex regard. Most women try to tell me that a hoe phase is normal. Everyone goes through it. But based on the way they talk about it I get the sense that they’re ashamed of that “phase,” and are grateful that they finally found a man after years of hoeing. I find this rather troubling. “Finally found a man.” “Once I met my husband I calmed down.” “Hoe phase.” All things I hear quite often. Why am I catching a vibe that they feel sorry for me? I’m happy for them that they’re happy in their relationships. But why am I supposed to be unhappy sleeping with people outside of a relationship? Why is a relationship the ultimate goal? I think a lot of women get the sense that I must be looking for something if I’m not being so discerning about who I have sex with. I think a lot of the women I talk to went through a “hoe phase” because they were searching for some sort of validation, which is perfectly fine, but I don’t appreciate trying to project that same experience onto me. Maybe I’m a sex addict, or something like that, but maybe it’s not that serious. My sex life is not a behavior that I care to evaluate. I think I just really like to fuck. 

It’s a nice idea to try fucking people I would also wanna date, though. I’ll try anything until it kills me, so I guess I’ll give that a go. Why not? It’s nice to try new things. But if you ever hear me say shit like “I calmed down because I’ve finally found a man” I give whoever is reading this permission to take me out back and old yeller me. Whoever says shit like that is essentially saying their sex life sucks.